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| Quotes and Such |
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Words To Live By
Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved.
-Victor Hugo
He who is in love is wise and becoming wiser.
-Ralph Waldo Emmerson
There is a great deal of pain in this life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain.
-R. D. Laing
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
-Nietysche
To thine own self be true.
-William Shakespeare
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
-Barbara DeAngelis
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.
(source unknown)
Enjoy yourself. These are the good old days you're going to miss in the years ahead.
(anonymous)
All you need is love.
-John Lennon
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; it goes on.
-Robert Frost
Live as if you were to die tomorrow.
Learn as if you were to live forver.
-Mahatma Gandhi
What we call the begining is often the end. And to make an end is to make a begining. The end is where we start from.
-T. S. Eliot
Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
-Elbert Hubbard
I wish they would only take me as I am.
-Vincent van Gogh
What we do for ourselves dies with us. Waht we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
-Albert Pine
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved-loved for ourselves or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
-Victor Hugo
Without stuggle, there can be no progress.
-Fredrick Douglass
You have to be yourself. Be very honest about who and what you are. And if people still like you, that's fine. If they don't, that's their problem.
-Sting
Music is a higher revelation than philosophy.
-Beethoven
There are 40 kinds of lunacy, but only one kind of common sense.
(African proverb)
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery
We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks and less from wise guys.
-William Arthur Ward
The Funny Stuff
Every man must answer Nature's call (interperate that any way you like)
-ESM
Sanity, my dear, is entirely over-rated.
-E. K.
Disclaimer : We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run. Death hates that.
Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed
Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
If we do not change out direction we are likely to end up where we are headed
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat
Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic
Decadence is it's own reward
Organize for anarchy!
Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
I don't see you,
so don't pretend you're there
Tell the truth and run
He who hesitates is last
Moral victories don't count
Smile! The illuminati are watching
Everything is controlled by a small, evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
A smith and Wesson beats four aces
I don't suffer from insanity, I revel in it.
The worst thing about censorship is XXXXXXXXXX
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective
Smile! It makes people wonder what you're up to
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research
Age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?
All generalizations are incorrect, including this one
Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate
Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense
All law is codified revenge
If winning doesn't matter, why keep score?
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder
Smash the state and have a nice day.
Abandon hope all ye who press enter here
No good deed goes unpunished
Gotta run, my government's collapsing
A friend is someone you call to help you move.
A real friend is someone you call to help you move a body
Defeat is worst than death, because you have to live with defeat
Someone you trust is one of us. . .
This is a test. This is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, you would all be dead by now.
I don't get even, I get odder.
My inferiority complex is not as big as yours
Let's pretend I'm naive and weirdness abounds.
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Get your mind out of the gutter, mine was there first!
A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
If ignorance is bliss, why are presidential candidates so unhappy?
If the opposite of con- is pro-, what is the opposite of progress? Constitution?
The voices. Why, oh why the voices?
When Sting dies, will everybody call him Stung?
If extra-terrestial life doesn't exist, won't we get bored soon?
If extra-terrestial life does exist, why would they want to meet us?
If gravity effects all matter, shouldn't a particle of light approaching a black hole speed up beyond the speed of light?
If your voting could really change things it would be illigal.
What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?
It may be my sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
It's a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.
If marraige was outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.
Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
Gargleing twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Somedays it's just not worth knawing through the straps.
Money does grow on trees, it's just that the bank owns all the branches.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
It's not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you.
We are all born naked, wet, and hungry. . . then things get worst.
Police station toilet seat stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.
God grant me the serinity to accept what I can not change, Teh courage to change those that I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people who piss me off along the way.
Instant Human (Just Add Coffee)
The more I learn about terrorrism the more I understand the phone companies.
The latest studies show three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Talk is cheep because the supply exceeds the demand.
US Congress
100 Senators
435 Representatives
No clues
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.
Next time you wave, use all your fingers.
The only perfect science is hindsight.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.
Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
My cat was on a roll this morning. There's toilet paper from one end of the house to the other.
Hey, I may be lazy, I may be weird, I may even be a little deranged, but Mr. Rogers still likes me just the way I am.
And a recent survey shows that recent surveys aren't always all that recent.
You get to know people by their aromas. The receptionist is Chanel .... the boss is Old Spice .... (Jock) is scratch-and-sniff.......
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
Would the Standing Committee please sit down?
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
A.A.A.A.A. - An organization for drunks who drive.
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are commited.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....
Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
Would you trust a POLITICIAN to run the country?
Improve mail delivery... mail the posties their pay!!
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
I am the root of some evil... send some money.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!
Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
History is a set of lies agreed upon by the Victor.
After four decimal places, nobody cares.
One good turn gets all the blankets.
Almost all loan officers have artificial hearts.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
War never decides who is right, only who is left.
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy.
Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book.
A crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
Support the right to arm bears.
We do precision guesswork.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Comical Little Storylets
They said I was mad to build a castle in the swamp, but I did it anyway! It sank into the swamp. Then I built another castle. That sank into the swamp. Then I built a third castle. That one burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the FOUTH one stayed up!
--the king of the swamp castle, "Monty Python and the Quest For the Holy Grail"
Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab in the buckle and pull tight. It works just like any other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsuprevised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting them with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more then Southwest Airlines.
--actual statement from a disgruntled airline employee
Words of Wisdom From Various Famous People
"Fool! said my muse to me, look in thy heart, and write."
--Sir Philip Sidney
Astrophel and Stella
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."
--Mark Twain
"It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself."
--Salvidor Dali
"Art is the lie that makes us realize the truth."
--Pablo Picasso
"These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves."
--Gilbert Highet
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
--Voltaire, French philosopher and author
"Art is the lie that makes us realize the truth."
--Pablo Picasso
"These are not books, lumps of lifeless paper, but minds alive on the shelves."
--Gilbert Highet
"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has read."
--Mark Twain
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
--Voltaire, French philosopher and author
"Art is making something out of nothing and selling it."
--Frank Zappa
"Everything you can imagine is real."
--Pablo Picasso
"I function as a channel from which music emerges from the chaos of noise."
--Vangelis
"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work."
--Émile Zola
"The simplest act of surrealism is to walk out into the street, gun in hand, and shoot at random."
--Andre Breton
"Architecture is frozen music."
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, playwright, novelist, and scientist
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
--Kelvin Throop III
"The dance is a poem of which each movement is a word."
--Mata Hari
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious; it is the source of all true art and science."
--Albert Einstein
"To be misunderstood can be the writer's punishment for having disturbed the reader's peace. The greater the disturbance, the greater the possibility of misunderstanding."
--Anatole Broyard
"[Writing] has nothing to do with communication between person and person, only with communication between different parts of a person's mind."
--Rebecca West
"All architecture is shelter, all great architecture is the design of space that contains, cuddles, exalts, or stimulates the persons in that space."
--Philip Johnson
"Music and silence . . . combine strongly because music is done with silence, and silence is full of music."
--Marcel Marceau
"The word genius was whispered into my ear, the first thing I ever heard, while I was still mewling in my crib. So it never occurred to me that I wasn't until middle age."
--Orson Welles